I've basically been a single mother for the last 15 years. I married my first "love" when I was still a kid because we were going to have a kid. A year later he tells me he cheated (his words, not mine). I stay "for the kid." Seven years and 2 kids later, amidst violence, jealousy, possession AND obsession, I finally get the courage to leave (with 911 pre-dialed on my cell phone and my finger on the SEND button). Yeah, I know, pretty picture, huh?
Why the "single parent" if I was married for the first 7 of those 15 years? Well, my dears, because the "father" didn't want to be "bothered" by his children - not when we were married and DEFINITELY not when we were split up. He called his time with his kids "babysitting." I guess he used the right word for what he felt like he was doing, because the meaning is to take charge of a child while the parents are temporarily away. I'm going to fast-forward through the real ugliness and leave it to your imaginations. Thank God for his parents and siblings, because THEY are the ones that actually cared for my kids when it was his alloted visitation time!
Today I get a text from *insert description here* telling me he wants the kids to live with him 50% of the year. Huh? What? Come again??? You mean to tell me that after ALL THIS TIME, after all the hard work I did on my own with them, all the discipline, all the teaching, all the sickness, tears, doctor appointments, feeding, raising... NOW you want them?!?! Are you fuckin' KIDDIN' ME?!?! YOU?!?! YOU, who threw them outside of your parents home and told me to go pick them up and not take them back because YOU were upset that I had a BOYFRIEND?!?! Do YOU know what I SAW when I went to get them???!!! YOU FUCKIN' PRICK?!?!?! I saw two kids, (KIDS!!!!!), with their jackets and backpacks on sobbing (you fucken mutha fucker!!! SOBBING!!!!) because their "FATHER" told them to go outside of the house because they couldn't stay there anymore because their MOTHER had a BOYFRIEND... YOU FUCKEN PIECE OF SHIT!!!! And now YOU want me to hand them over all nice and packaged and pretty?? You've got another thing coming if you think that's what's gonna happen!
Disgusted yet? I know I am!
Although I would have LOVED for this other person to have been in their lives as a TRUE parent since their births, that was not the case. I had to fight through the court system for him to spend ANY time at all with them. A true near-death experience has "opened his eyes" to what should have always been his number 1 priority in life. I feel like he is throwing my kids crumbs. What kid DOESN'T want the love and attention of a parent?
So, my friends, if you find yourself in this lovely situation here is my advise to you. Stick to your instincts and fight for what is right. I don't think it's right to keep a kid from their parent. However, my gut instinct tells me that this "epiphany" is short-lived.
Very raw and real. Excellent post. I've been there... the kid that knows she has a dad, but doesn't KNOW her dad... and... I'm very sure that played a part in some of my struggles. Kids don't understand it, it just hurts them and makes them wonder what is so wrong with them that their own father can't be bothered enough to love them. They are fortunate to have you in their lives to fight for their hearts.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine what it would be like to grow up that way. Thank you for your kind words! Now that one of our children is 18, "Dad" hasn't raised a fuss about custody for our other one. He just liked throwing me in a tailspin whenever something good was going on in my life.
DeleteMy oldest son lived that with me. He's 31 now. He met his "dad" as an adult and they are both ok. No regrets here. (of course "dad" has not changed)
ReplyDeleteBoth of our children see him and visit him often. Our daughter is now 18, and she will freely visit him when she has time. She's a full-time college student with a part-time job, so that's not often. He still pulls the guilt trip with them occasionally. I have to explain to them what being co-dependant means. They love their dad no matter happens. Sometimes it hurts me because I feel like I get the short-end of the stick. I'm sure that's part of being a parent.
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