(500) Days...

... As he listened, he began to realize that these weren't stories routinely told.
These were stories one had to earn... He could feel the wall coming down.
He wondered if anyone else had made it this far...

~ (500) Days of Summer

I Knew It

Walking around numb again today. Fifth death of a friend this year. He was only 30 years old. Died of a heart attack. Had sleep apnea. Felt surreal walking into Tailgaters yesterday and seeing all the staff and regulars in a somber mood. We all hugged in silence. Grown men getting emotional. Who knew someone could have that big of an impact on so many people. I think he would be in disbelief if he saw how many of us loved him. I'm picturing his smirk/smile. Can't stop crying when I think of it. Just need one of his bear hugs right now...

Patience - Of Which I Have NONE

When it comes to things I want, I have absolutely no patience to sit and wait for them to happen. I'm about a month away from getting my new car. I don't like paying interest on stuff, so I'm buying it cash. If I wouldn't have had my head up my ass last summer during my "Shit Show of 2014" I would have had it by now. Instead I was too busy partying and throwing money away. Now I'm pouting in my head like a little girl that's not getting what she wants. NOW. LOL! It's so close, I can taste it. WAHHH!! I want my baby so bad. :(



Next up on my list is completing my Real Estate Broker's License courses. I am more than halfway done with one book (Real Estate Appraisal) and have 2 more to go. I have to finish them all by the end of August. Some of the books and chapters are easy to get through and test on since I have experience, but some other ones are tough. I used to manage an office (recruit, train and retain agents), so I can use that as reference for a lot of things, but it's new territory when it comes to investing in office space, commercial real estate and guiding customers on weighing out their options when investing in real estate.



If I could have like 2 weeks of uninterrupted time to devote to these last books I know I would have them finished by then. It's hard to study with a 5 year old at home. I can't study in my office because other agents always want to talk to me or ask me questions. I can't study at a coffee shop because I get distracted with all the foot traffic and table conversations. LOL! Needless to say, my studying is going WAY slower than I want it to. I'm sure everyone around me is tired of me telling them I can't play because I'm studying. Hahaha! Oh well. Things will go back to normal once I complete these courses and take the state test.

Death

Back in November I felt a surge of the reality of death. It wasn't because I was one year older. In fact, I'm not the least bit bothered by my age. I don't even "feel" my age. The increasing number doesn't scare me or embarrass me. I look forward to each birthday, especially milestone birthdays.



This year was different. I felt like death was all around me. Not like I was going to die, but that death was just near and more real. I guess in the past I just felt like my circle was invincible.



This year, so far, two of my friends have passed away. I didn't think I would take it as hard as I did. The first one to pass was a mentor in real estate. He took me under his wing my first year of real estate and passed on great knowledge about life and investing. He was an immigrant from Croatia and came to the U.S. as a young adult. His accent was very heavy. He told me how he and his wife bought their first home as newlyweds. It was a "shack," as he described it. He said they would work endlessly to repair it and make it liveable. Once they lived there for a bit they bought another home, rented their first home out and continued doing that with more homes throughout their marriage.



He introduced me to the "gang" and we began having lunches together at Cap's Restaurant in Downtown Brentwood. We all worked in the same office for about 10 years. They were ALL over 50 years old, and I hadn't even turned 20. After we all left that real estate office and joined other brokerages, I rarely ran into any of them again. The bond was still there. I broke down at his funeral. He was the first of our office to pass. Their age was becoming a reality that death really was near. He passed away in his home alone of natural causes.



Recently, a friend and husband of a colleague, committed suicide in his home. He was only 41. The last time I hung out with he and his wife was in the beginning of May. We all attended a fundraiser at the horse races in Berkeley. We sat together after lunch and drank and laughed and were making plans for hanging out soon. They invited me to join them at their cabin later that evening to celebrate their daughter's 21st birthday at the casino near their place. I planned to go after a friend's birthday dinner later that night. I never showed up. That's the last time I saw my friend. I can't stop thinking of his smile and laugh and how excited he was about getting together and celebrating his daughter's birthday and how much fun we were all going to have at their cabin. FUCK. I should have went. I regret not going. I regret not going and having fun with them. I wonder if enjoying life to the fullest that night would have changed his mind about suicide. My friend was right. Suicide leaves behind a bunch of What Ifs. I hate it.



 I hate that he couldn't have waited 5 more minutes for the overwhelming feeling of despair and hopelessness and sadness left him. I hate that he felt so alone in those last few minutes or seconds that drove him to put a gun in his mouth. I hate the thought of his soul regretting the decision he made the second he pulled that trigger. I HATE IT ALL!



I wish I could cushion all the pain and loneliness and sadness any of my friends and family feel. I wish they could see that things will all get better eventually. Eventually. We can all weather the storm if we have just one person to lean on. I don't have that one person I can just lay my head on and fall apart. I wish I could do that. I don't think I have it in me to fall apart like that in front of another person. Wait. I take that back. I CAN do that with someone, but I have never met a person that I feel is strong enough for the two of us. I have always been the stronger person. I would love to find someone that would be strong enough for the both of us to let me fall apart for just a few minutes.



Jaime's suicide brought back so many emotions from my own brother's suicide 10 years ago. Anger that both made such a final decision is the biggest emotion yet. Anger that they would leave that type of legacy for their children. Angry that they couldn't have made a different decision than the one they chose. Angry that they both did it in their homes. Just angry. I wanted to throw everything in my immediate surrounding to the side. I wanted to kick anything around me. I still felt this way at Jaime's funeral. I wanted to pick up the folding chairs and just throw them. All I kept thinking is, "Why? Why the fuck would you do this?! Why couldn't you just wait 5 minutes until the thought passed?!"



And now my stepmom. My stepmom is dealing with some pretty scary health issues. I'm hoping it's not the worst. I really am. The last 11 days have been scary for her. I started visiting and talking to her more often around her birthday in September. But the last month or so the conversations she's been having with me are more about the past. Like kind of giving more detailed and personal information about things so we know our family history. And her recipes. And just a lot of little things from us growing up. It feels like it's her preparation. I sincerely hope it's not the worst thing I can imagine. She sees a neurologist this Friday. I'm definitely not liking where this is going.