A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

I always used to think that saying was cheesy. December 2012, it made sense.

As sad as it is to end some relationships in our lives, sometimes it is needed. This one particular one was for a reason. A good reason. It has definitely taught me patience and understanding. Where as before I would have spouted off the first thing to come to mind, now I have learned to hold my tongue. I learned that piercing words are not necessary to make someone else feel the same hurt as I am feeling. I've also learned to try to step back and look at the situation objectively. In other words, I've matured.

Sucks that it took 6 years to learn, but better late than never, right?

I hope that my past mistakes and experiences will come across to this person as a reason for me being in their life as well. That I somehow served a positive purpose as well. At the end of the day, I am content with "a reason, a season, a lifetime."

It's Been One Week Since You Looked At Me

... It'll still be two days til we say we're sorry... (This post was originally written on June 21th, 2012)

Well, really, it's been about a month since my last post. June 20th I attended my first event to help break a World Record. Granted, the same local town came up with the idea several years ago, they continue to break their own "World Record". The event is called Paddle For Fame. The point is to have as many non-motorized floating devices attached to one-another to assemble the largest non-motorized flotilla. The afternoon started out with mixing our drinks for the trip and packing a lunch. This booze fest requires we stay hydrated and fed. Since we were going on Genie's paddleboat, it would have taken us FOREVER to paddle out to the event, so her hubby towed us out on their boat.

When we got there, it was party central in the middle of the water. So nutso! (That's my girl koozie I take on my adventures.) It was a lot of fun, but I definitely was not prepared for what was about to happen. The closer to the center of the flotilla we got, the more wasted everyone was. We were preparing to get the lunch we had packed, when a random drunk jumped on our paddleboat followed by his other drunk friend and they SUNK our battleship.

We had to tow that back to the dock ourselves by holding onto it with one arm each while paddling/swimming. My phone went bye-bye and down into the murky Delta. I think that was the 3rd phone I had gone through in one year. We were more ticked off with losing the lunch that we hadn't even taken a bite of. Genie ended up falling on the dock and scraping her knee, but other than that we were cracking up.

Discovery Bay ended up breaking their previous year's World Record and we plan on doing it again this year. LOL!

Chin Up

Working 12 hour days in heels is NO JOKE. I feel bad for strippers and hookers. Thankfully, I only worked 9 hours today. Needless to say, the soles of my feet are numb.

I have been lagging on signing up for class this semester. Classes begin next week. YIKES! I plan to register online tonight and do my financial aid stuff early Monday afternoon. I can't believe I am going to torture myself again with juggling studying, work and kids. Looks like I will only have to deal with 2 kids at home instead of 3. My oldest has decided to move out with her father, who happens to live with his mother. I am NOT cool with this. I am SERIOUSLY afraid of my daughter not getting pushed and settling in life. My biggest fear is that she get pregnant/married and drops out of school. This is really pissing me off. I wish she would just go live in the dorms instead.

My middle son (17) has decided to join the Army after he graduates. I was shocked at first, but I think it will do him some good. He'll be able to get the self-discipline he needs to push himself through life. I'll be worried everyday, but I know he needs to do this for himself.

This is where a parent hopes that all the lessons we taught our children stick with them.

I finally started my blog/InstagramI/FB page for my little hobby. I'm calling it Girl About Town CA, the CA for obvious reasons. Girl About Town for one of my favorite M.A.C. lipsticks. I've only posted once so far, but I'll work on getting the rest of my shots up there with the back stories. Should be fun. :)

Bummed Out

Still bummed out. Can't seem to get out of this funk. SHIT! I seem to not dwell on the past or what is hurting me at the moment when I am busy at work, but now that I am home and the house is quiet it's hitting me again.

Work was busy again today. For a short time, I had to take my 3 yr old son in with me. That was a BIG mistake. It took me 2.5 hours to finish something that would normally take me 30 minutes. To top it off, he started whining and screaming towards the end just as my boss and her client showed up to the office. FABULOUS. I couldn't shut down my laptop and run out of there fast enough. Do you remember those cartoons with steam blowing out of the bull's nose and ears? THAT was me this afternoon.

I feel so bad complaining about my kid, considering TWO childhood friends have recently lost their children. One of my friends lost her 2-3 year old son to cancer. Another friend lost his 9 year old daughter to cancer on Christmas. WHY THE HELL AM I COMPLAINING about MY kid?!?!?!? There are days I could just slap myself for even THINKING about how rough I have it with my little terror.

My 19 year old daughter still hasn't came back home. She said she needed time away from me since I was always mad and yelling, so she's been staying at her grandmother's (my ex-husband still lives with his parents) for the last few weeks. My 17 year old son is still on Christmas break, so he's staying there too as far as the visitation arrangements go with the court. I miss them both terribly, but I am also enjoying this break while I can. I am trying to detach from my daughter so that if she decides she no longer wants to live with me it won't hurt as much.

Man, I did not think in a million years that starting over was going to affect our lives this way. Again, I know I have put WAY too much effort into this relationship than it is worth to me. Maybe if the other person would try to make changes or at least recognize and admit to their short-comings it wouldn't feel like so much of a waste. Fuck it. I guess I will always make mistakes in life. That's the only way I ever seem to learn.

Enough pissing and moaning from me for the night. I need to get back to these silly calendars documenting all the months of non-payment of child support. I see fun times at the Family Law court in my near future...

2013 Resolutions

I'm not much of a New Year "resolution" person, but figured it would be better for me to get it out in the universe and possibly in front on my face so I would stick with it. Most of my "resolutions" in the past revolved around my real estate business, so I would just use my business plans to serve that purpose. Now I'm realizing I should probably get some guides or plans set and in writing for 2013, if I really want to see these goals through.

Going back to school the Fall semester of 2012 got me fired up to get back to the things that I once enjoyed, loved and had planned for myself. I'm sure I've mentioned this in the past when I explained about me dropping out of college. I was married at the time and in a violent, unhealthy relationship. In attempt to keep my husband from jumping to conclusions, I hastily hid a note from a male classmate and childhood friend. The note was pretty innocent, "Missed you today. Let's meet for lunch." I should have just thrown it away, but I was in a hurry when I got to my car and just threw it in my jeans pocket.

Later that day, as I laid in bed, I realized the note was still in my pocket. I knew my husband would feel it and take it out to read it and think the worst thing possible, so I took it out and threw it on the side of my bed as soon as he left the room. Days went by and I completely forgot about the note. While cleaning one day, he found it while I was at work and went into a violent rage at my job. I ended up dropping out of school that week to avoid any future problems with him.

Fifteen years later, and a divorce, I went back to school for one class to see how I'd fare. Juggling work, a toddler, two grown children and a life was not easy. I'm afraid to fail if I try to take on more classes and afraid of having to turn business away if I happen to get busy in real estate again. I'm definitely at a crossroads with what I want to do in life this year. I only have a week or two to decide which direction I am going to take, or if I'm going to attempt to do both at the same time. I know I can do whatever I put my mind to, but I'm worried about which aspect of my life is going to suffer in doing so.

That being said, here is what I would like to accomplish in 2013:

1) Take 2 or 3 courses in college this Spring semester. Depending on how I do with succeeding AND completing those courses, take another 2 or 3 for Fall 2013.

2) Change focus in real estate to pursue listings so they are 70% of my yearly business. This means changing my marketing strategies and dedicating time to initiate the new campaigns.

3) Saying "no" and setting boundaries again. I have stopped doing this for a few years because I've felt guilty in putting myself first. What I've found is that I overwhelm myself with trying to please too many other people and I've taken on more than I can handle some days. I also over-book myself and end up running late to everything, which leads to more frustration and stress.

4) Practicing patience, understanding and encouragement when it comes to my kids. I am so focused on helping the person I am in a relationship with that I have lost focus on my kids. The lack of communication with him and the feeling of not having the help I need from him when it comes to juggling a household and dealing with our toddler is too much. When expressing my wishes and expectations as a couple, a family and adults doesn't change anything or even seem like there are attempts to change, that's when I want to throw my hands up and give up. This is taking more time than it's worth to me. My kids need me to provide them a strong foundation, and I will do that alone if I have to. I've done it before and I can do it again. Whether that is ending this relationship, or just disconnecting for the time being.

5) I want to start living for myself again. Again, out of guilt, I have stopped planning, hoping and actually doing some things (like traveling and taking time for myself) because I feel like I don't want to share or ruin these things with a person that cannot or will not truly appreciate the moment/experience. That has only made me unhappy.

6) Enjoy my hobbies/interests. I love reading, writing and taking pictures. I have all these ideas for putting something together and incorporating these things I love doing. I want to get a blog that links up with a Facebook page and Instagram account to all mesh with what I have in mind.

Hmmm... instead of feeling optimistic about all of this, I just feel sad. I guess it's because I know some things are going to have to change in my life and that some people will come out of this with their feelings hurt. To take back some happiness and sanity in my life, this is what I feel I have to do for myself.