Bummed Out

Still bummed out. Can't seem to get out of this funk. SHIT! I seem to not dwell on the past or what is hurting me at the moment when I am busy at work, but now that I am home and the house is quiet it's hitting me again.

Work was busy again today. For a short time, I had to take my 3 yr old son in with me. That was a BIG mistake. It took me 2.5 hours to finish something that would normally take me 30 minutes. To top it off, he started whining and screaming towards the end just as my boss and her client showed up to the office. FABULOUS. I couldn't shut down my laptop and run out of there fast enough. Do you remember those cartoons with steam blowing out of the bull's nose and ears? THAT was me this afternoon.

I feel so bad complaining about my kid, considering TWO childhood friends have recently lost their children. One of my friends lost her 2-3 year old son to cancer. Another friend lost his 9 year old daughter to cancer on Christmas. WHY THE HELL AM I COMPLAINING about MY kid?!?!?!? There are days I could just slap myself for even THINKING about how rough I have it with my little terror.

My 19 year old daughter still hasn't came back home. She said she needed time away from me since I was always mad and yelling, so she's been staying at her grandmother's (my ex-husband still lives with his parents) for the last few weeks. My 17 year old son is still on Christmas break, so he's staying there too as far as the visitation arrangements go with the court. I miss them both terribly, but I am also enjoying this break while I can. I am trying to detach from my daughter so that if she decides she no longer wants to live with me it won't hurt as much.

Man, I did not think in a million years that starting over was going to affect our lives this way. Again, I know I have put WAY too much effort into this relationship than it is worth to me. Maybe if the other person would try to make changes or at least recognize and admit to their short-comings it wouldn't feel like so much of a waste. Fuck it. I guess I will always make mistakes in life. That's the only way I ever seem to learn.

Enough pissing and moaning from me for the night. I need to get back to these silly calendars documenting all the months of non-payment of child support. I see fun times at the Family Law court in my near future...