"Johnny, la gente esta muy loca..."

..."whaat tha ****?!" That's how I'm feeling today. I was once a girl who was able to be open-minded and look within to my reactions. I'm just not that person these days.

Having another kid has DEFINITELY taken away "me" time. I think I just re-learned to stuff all those feelings down and lock them away until I had time to sift through everything. There was a lot of frustration that first year from not having time alone to analyze my day, my reactions, my thoughts and my words. When I couldn't find a solution for an outlet and felt like there would be no break for myself anytime soon, I just stuffed it all away.

There are reactions of mine from the past that I need to deal with. I need to figure out what in the hell made me act a certain way. I need to come up with a plan or solution to change and react differently in the future. I thought I had matured and was able to take constructive critizism and listen to how others view me. Did I turn into this arrogant and selfish person over the last few years, or have I always been that way and didn't know it?

Just a bit ago, I read an old article about Anne Hathaway and how she coped with her break-up with her Italian boyfriend that was found guilty of money laundering, conspiracy and wire fraud. In the article she mentions how many of us want to be the best partner the other person has ever had. We tend to pressure ourselves into being more secure and confident than we really are just to impress this new person we are dating. Eventually our true selves comes out and sometimes that can be really ugly.

It made me think WHY is it that we do that? Why is it that I do that? Will I ever feel comfortable enough to just be myself from the get go? I mean, I AM myself with my friends and family, so what is so different from doing the same to a person I am dating?

I've been in a relationship where I was submissive. I've had a relationship where I had no filter and have said EVERYTHING that was on my mind. And now I'm in a relationship where I'm trying to bite my tongue when needed, yet also speak my opinion. Will there ever be a time when I can find an acceptable compromise for myself and the person I am in a relationship with? Or is that basically just me being stubborn and unwilling to change at 80 in an apartment with 40 cats?

GAH! I just need ONE DAY a week ALONE. Hahahhahaaha! By the way, hearing someone say that I NEVER do a thing to help them pisses me the FUCK off, ESPECIALLY when I've put so many things in my life on hold to better the situation.