Bummed Out

Still bummed out. Can't seem to get out of this funk. SHIT! I seem to not dwell on the past or what is hurting me at the moment when I am busy at work, but now that I am home and the house is quiet it's hitting me again.

Work was busy again today. For a short time, I had to take my 3 yr old son in with me. That was a BIG mistake. It took me 2.5 hours to finish something that would normally take me 30 minutes. To top it off, he started whining and screaming towards the end just as my boss and her client showed up to the office. FABULOUS. I couldn't shut down my laptop and run out of there fast enough. Do you remember those cartoons with steam blowing out of the bull's nose and ears? THAT was me this afternoon.

I feel so bad complaining about my kid, considering TWO childhood friends have recently lost their children. One of my friends lost her 2-3 year old son to cancer. Another friend lost his 9 year old daughter to cancer on Christmas. WHY THE HELL AM I COMPLAINING about MY kid?!?!?!? There are days I could just slap myself for even THINKING about how rough I have it with my little terror.

My 19 year old daughter still hasn't came back home. She said she needed time away from me since I was always mad and yelling, so she's been staying at her grandmother's (my ex-husband still lives with his parents) for the last few weeks. My 17 year old son is still on Christmas break, so he's staying there too as far as the visitation arrangements go with the court. I miss them both terribly, but I am also enjoying this break while I can. I am trying to detach from my daughter so that if she decides she no longer wants to live with me it won't hurt as much.

Man, I did not think in a million years that starting over was going to affect our lives this way. Again, I know I have put WAY too much effort into this relationship than it is worth to me. Maybe if the other person would try to make changes or at least recognize and admit to their short-comings it wouldn't feel like so much of a waste. Fuck it. I guess I will always make mistakes in life. That's the only way I ever seem to learn.

Enough pissing and moaning from me for the night. I need to get back to these silly calendars documenting all the months of non-payment of child support. I see fun times at the Family Law court in my near future...

2013 Resolutions

I'm not much of a New Year "resolution" person, but figured it would be better for me to get it out in the universe and possibly in front on my face so I would stick with it. Most of my "resolutions" in the past revolved around my real estate business, so I would just use my business plans to serve that purpose. Now I'm realizing I should probably get some guides or plans set and in writing for 2013, if I really want to see these goals through.

Going back to school the Fall semester of 2012 got me fired up to get back to the things that I once enjoyed, loved and had planned for myself. I'm sure I've mentioned this in the past when I explained about me dropping out of college. I was married at the time and in a violent, unhealthy relationship. In attempt to keep my husband from jumping to conclusions, I hastily hid a note from a male classmate and childhood friend. The note was pretty innocent, "Missed you today. Let's meet for lunch." I should have just thrown it away, but I was in a hurry when I got to my car and just threw it in my jeans pocket.

Later that day, as I laid in bed, I realized the note was still in my pocket. I knew my husband would feel it and take it out to read it and think the worst thing possible, so I took it out and threw it on the side of my bed as soon as he left the room. Days went by and I completely forgot about the note. While cleaning one day, he found it while I was at work and went into a violent rage at my job. I ended up dropping out of school that week to avoid any future problems with him.

Fifteen years later, and a divorce, I went back to school for one class to see how I'd fare. Juggling work, a toddler, two grown children and a life was not easy. I'm afraid to fail if I try to take on more classes and afraid of having to turn business away if I happen to get busy in real estate again. I'm definitely at a crossroads with what I want to do in life this year. I only have a week or two to decide which direction I am going to take, or if I'm going to attempt to do both at the same time. I know I can do whatever I put my mind to, but I'm worried about which aspect of my life is going to suffer in doing so.

That being said, here is what I would like to accomplish in 2013:

1) Take 2 or 3 courses in college this Spring semester. Depending on how I do with succeeding AND completing those courses, take another 2 or 3 for Fall 2013.

2) Change focus in real estate to pursue listings so they are 70% of my yearly business. This means changing my marketing strategies and dedicating time to initiate the new campaigns.

3) Saying "no" and setting boundaries again. I have stopped doing this for a few years because I've felt guilty in putting myself first. What I've found is that I overwhelm myself with trying to please too many other people and I've taken on more than I can handle some days. I also over-book myself and end up running late to everything, which leads to more frustration and stress.

4) Practicing patience, understanding and encouragement when it comes to my kids. I am so focused on helping the person I am in a relationship with that I have lost focus on my kids. The lack of communication with him and the feeling of not having the help I need from him when it comes to juggling a household and dealing with our toddler is too much. When expressing my wishes and expectations as a couple, a family and adults doesn't change anything or even seem like there are attempts to change, that's when I want to throw my hands up and give up. This is taking more time than it's worth to me. My kids need me to provide them a strong foundation, and I will do that alone if I have to. I've done it before and I can do it again. Whether that is ending this relationship, or just disconnecting for the time being.

5) I want to start living for myself again. Again, out of guilt, I have stopped planning, hoping and actually doing some things (like traveling and taking time for myself) because I feel like I don't want to share or ruin these things with a person that cannot or will not truly appreciate the moment/experience. That has only made me unhappy.

6) Enjoy my hobbies/interests. I love reading, writing and taking pictures. I have all these ideas for putting something together and incorporating these things I love doing. I want to get a blog that links up with a Facebook page and Instagram account to all mesh with what I have in mind.

Hmmm... instead of feeling optimistic about all of this, I just feel sad. I guess it's because I know some things are going to have to change in my life and that some people will come out of this with their feelings hurt. To take back some happiness and sanity in my life, this is what I feel I have to do for myself.

Feeling Confident Again

I'm not sure if I mentioned in my last post that I recently went back to school. It's just one course, but I wasn't sure if I would remember how to study and write papers after being out of school for over 15 years. I am proud to announce that I have received all A's on my essays and papers so far.

I am feeling quite independent again. This accomplishment is something that I alone have done. No outside influences. The motivation and determination to study and do well is something that comes from within me, something that no one else can claim to be a part of. I'm feeling confident again.

I wanted to share this with all of you, or just put it out there in the universe. It is truly a rewarding and positive feeling. Facebook just didn't seem like the right place to post this. I am not looking for praise or ass-kissing, just wanting to share the good feeling. :)

There is a study abroad program available at this junior college. The possibility of being able to go to Paris or Italy is exciting. Those are two countries that I have always dreamed about visiting since I was a kid. If I can keep these grades up for another semester or two, then the reality of actually going is that much closer. All I would need is to qualify for the grants and scholarships. It feels damn good to be able to dream about something I want again and know that it will soon be my reality.

Change Is In the Air

Well, I went back to school. I enrolled in the local J.C. this semester in an American Humanities course, just to get my feet wet. I'm glad I started out with only one course. After 15 years of not being in school I've completely forgotten how to study and how to write an essay.

It's only been a few weeks, maybe a month, and I've already submitted two Film Reviews and an Essay Exam. First paper received a 11 out of 10 (yay me!) and second 10 of 10. Kind of nervous for this Essay Exam since I had a ton of turmoil in my life the last week.

Real Estate is incredibly slow for me right now. Like the rest of the country, we are experiencing multiple offers and many are bidding about $10,000 to $20,000 over asking price. Besides facing those odds, there's also the competition with cash buyers. Yes, CASH buyers.

My daughter is in her Sophmore year in college, but still living at home. I don't think she's ready to leave just yet. Either that or she really likes her job here in the area and doesn't want to quit. My son is in his Senior year of high school. He is finally starting to take school serious, a little late in the game but I'm glad he's actually putting in time and effort. He got into the ROP program for Sports Medicine and he's enjoying his internship hours, even though he pretends to be exhausted after his "long day at work." The baby is no longer a baby. He's turning 3 in a few days. Kid is pretty sharp. Knows his colors and can count a bit.

Pics of my adventures in 2012:

Concannon Winery, Livermore, CA

Santa Monica Pier, CA

Monterey Tide Pools, CA

Ski Beach, Discovery Bay, CA

Golden Gate Fields, Emeryville, CA

Definitely things that make me smile right now. :)

"Johnny, la gente esta muy loca..."

..."whaat tha ****?!" That's how I'm feeling today. I was once a girl who was able to be open-minded and look within to my reactions. I'm just not that person these days.

Having another kid has DEFINITELY taken away "me" time. I think I just re-learned to stuff all those feelings down and lock them away until I had time to sift through everything. There was a lot of frustration that first year from not having time alone to analyze my day, my reactions, my thoughts and my words. When I couldn't find a solution for an outlet and felt like there would be no break for myself anytime soon, I just stuffed it all away.

There are reactions of mine from the past that I need to deal with. I need to figure out what in the hell made me act a certain way. I need to come up with a plan or solution to change and react differently in the future. I thought I had matured and was able to take constructive critizism and listen to how others view me. Did I turn into this arrogant and selfish person over the last few years, or have I always been that way and didn't know it?

Just a bit ago, I read an old article about Anne Hathaway and how she coped with her break-up with her Italian boyfriend that was found guilty of money laundering, conspiracy and wire fraud. In the article she mentions how many of us want to be the best partner the other person has ever had. We tend to pressure ourselves into being more secure and confident than we really are just to impress this new person we are dating. Eventually our true selves comes out and sometimes that can be really ugly.

It made me think WHY is it that we do that? Why is it that I do that? Will I ever feel comfortable enough to just be myself from the get go? I mean, I AM myself with my friends and family, so what is so different from doing the same to a person I am dating?

I've been in a relationship where I was submissive. I've had a relationship where I had no filter and have said EVERYTHING that was on my mind. And now I'm in a relationship where I'm trying to bite my tongue when needed, yet also speak my opinion. Will there ever be a time when I can find an acceptable compromise for myself and the person I am in a relationship with? Or is that basically just me being stubborn and unwilling to change at 80 in an apartment with 40 cats?

GAH! I just need ONE DAY a week ALONE. Hahahhahaaha! By the way, hearing someone say that I NEVER do a thing to help them pisses me the FUCK off, ESPECIALLY when I've put so many things in my life on hold to better the situation.

Legs and Voices

Getting an oil change on my car. I delay doing this all the time. Just seems like waiting around doing nothing for 30-45 minutes is a waste of time. But I need a car that runs.

Sitting in the lobby of the automotive place and with a book I picked out from my mom's house library. "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey. The cover caught my attention years back, but the fact that it was in Oprah's Book Club kept me away. That is until the controversy about his "autobiography" came out. I wouldn't waste MY money on it, but now that I could borrow it, I'll take a peek.

I can't help but read this as fiction. Each time I refocus on the words and his story, my mind drifts back to, "this is fiction." Do any of you do that when you read books or poetry? Can I blame A.D.D.? I don't even HAVE A.D.D., but I like using it as an excuse whenever my mind wanders or when I'm multi-tasking.

Each time a new customer walks in, my ears perk up onto the conversations. I try to tune them out and get back to reading, but I like this real life channel surfing into their lives.

A golf pro, or maybe just a golf fan, talks the receptionist into changing the channel from music to some celebrity golf game. I don't see faces, I don't care to look up. All I see is their legs and hear their voices. His wife uses a voice louder than most indoors. I can't help but hear their conversation about watching & recording this show. It's OBVIOUS they want everyone to know they know about golf. And the first name this man spouts off... Tiger Woods. *shudders* (Dude, if you want to impress people about golf, please don't throw around that philanderer of a douche, Tiger.)

Not even 5 minutes later, the golf couple walk out of the shop without even THANKING the receptionist for changing the channel for he and his wife. Asshole. (Thanks for the consideration of others, buddy. I really don't need to be exposed to the world of golf. It will not enrich my life.)

Back to James Frey...

Legs and voices. Oh hey! I recognize that shower smell. These people walking in must be Hispanic. (Read, read, read. Focus on the words.) Man starts to reply to the attendant in English with strong Spanish accent. I knew it! That was the smell of Irish Spring soap. The commercial jingle for Irish Spring is ingrained in the memory of every Hispanic that has ever watched Don Francisco.

Legs and voices.

Don't Speak

"... I know the words you're sayin, so please stop explainin'..." (No Doubt lyrics. I think in music.) I lost my voice. Bah humbug. Haven't had a voice since late Wednesday night. My older step-brother, Jorge, played an acoustic set at the little wine bar I like to go to. Their Facebook page announced they were having auditions every Wednesday for the month of January to book musicians at their upcoming Live Music weekend events. My brother was able to spread the word to enough friends that lived locally at attend his set... and drink wine, of course.

There was a pretty good crowd there for a weekday evening. His set was only supposed to be 2 songs, but the positive crowd feedback allowed him to play about 9 songs that night. He sang some of his original work, written in Spanish and English. There were some Creedence Clearwater covers thrown in there as well. I was really proud of my brother. :)

The wine bar booked him for one of their events. We promised to pack the house. Looking forward to a fun night with my bro and old friends. Now let's see if I can figure out how to embed a YouTube video of him on here...

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DZHM1jp8GI2w%26feature%3Dshare&h=gAQGfQC_oAQGkjv7lKZDJsD9QMrND1odAolW-K7jeEkOGEw

Well, THAT didn't work. Let's try this again...