Feeling Confident Again

I'm not sure if I mentioned in my last post that I recently went back to school. It's just one course, but I wasn't sure if I would remember how to study and write papers after being out of school for over 15 years. I am proud to announce that I have received all A's on my essays and papers so far.

I am feeling quite independent again. This accomplishment is something that I alone have done. No outside influences. The motivation and determination to study and do well is something that comes from within me, something that no one else can claim to be a part of. I'm feeling confident again.

I wanted to share this with all of you, or just put it out there in the universe. It is truly a rewarding and positive feeling. Facebook just didn't seem like the right place to post this. I am not looking for praise or ass-kissing, just wanting to share the good feeling. :)

There is a study abroad program available at this junior college. The possibility of being able to go to Paris or Italy is exciting. Those are two countries that I have always dreamed about visiting since I was a kid. If I can keep these grades up for another semester or two, then the reality of actually going is that much closer. All I would need is to qualify for the grants and scholarships. It feels damn good to be able to dream about something I want again and know that it will soon be my reality.

Change Is In the Air

Well, I went back to school. I enrolled in the local J.C. this semester in an American Humanities course, just to get my feet wet. I'm glad I started out with only one course. After 15 years of not being in school I've completely forgotten how to study and how to write an essay.

It's only been a few weeks, maybe a month, and I've already submitted two Film Reviews and an Essay Exam. First paper received a 11 out of 10 (yay me!) and second 10 of 10. Kind of nervous for this Essay Exam since I had a ton of turmoil in my life the last week.

Real Estate is incredibly slow for me right now. Like the rest of the country, we are experiencing multiple offers and many are bidding about $10,000 to $20,000 over asking price. Besides facing those odds, there's also the competition with cash buyers. Yes, CASH buyers.

My daughter is in her Sophmore year in college, but still living at home. I don't think she's ready to leave just yet. Either that or she really likes her job here in the area and doesn't want to quit. My son is in his Senior year of high school. He is finally starting to take school serious, a little late in the game but I'm glad he's actually putting in time and effort. He got into the ROP program for Sports Medicine and he's enjoying his internship hours, even though he pretends to be exhausted after his "long day at work." The baby is no longer a baby. He's turning 3 in a few days. Kid is pretty sharp. Knows his colors and can count a bit.

Pics of my adventures in 2012:

Concannon Winery, Livermore, CA

Santa Monica Pier, CA

Monterey Tide Pools, CA

Ski Beach, Discovery Bay, CA

Golden Gate Fields, Emeryville, CA

Definitely things that make me smile right now. :)

"Johnny, la gente esta muy loca..."

..."whaat tha ****?!" That's how I'm feeling today. I was once a girl who was able to be open-minded and look within to my reactions. I'm just not that person these days.

Having another kid has DEFINITELY taken away "me" time. I think I just re-learned to stuff all those feelings down and lock them away until I had time to sift through everything. There was a lot of frustration that first year from not having time alone to analyze my day, my reactions, my thoughts and my words. When I couldn't find a solution for an outlet and felt like there would be no break for myself anytime soon, I just stuffed it all away.

There are reactions of mine from the past that I need to deal with. I need to figure out what in the hell made me act a certain way. I need to come up with a plan or solution to change and react differently in the future. I thought I had matured and was able to take constructive critizism and listen to how others view me. Did I turn into this arrogant and selfish person over the last few years, or have I always been that way and didn't know it?

Just a bit ago, I read an old article about Anne Hathaway and how she coped with her break-up with her Italian boyfriend that was found guilty of money laundering, conspiracy and wire fraud. In the article she mentions how many of us want to be the best partner the other person has ever had. We tend to pressure ourselves into being more secure and confident than we really are just to impress this new person we are dating. Eventually our true selves comes out and sometimes that can be really ugly.

It made me think WHY is it that we do that? Why is it that I do that? Will I ever feel comfortable enough to just be myself from the get go? I mean, I AM myself with my friends and family, so what is so different from doing the same to a person I am dating?

I've been in a relationship where I was submissive. I've had a relationship where I had no filter and have said EVERYTHING that was on my mind. And now I'm in a relationship where I'm trying to bite my tongue when needed, yet also speak my opinion. Will there ever be a time when I can find an acceptable compromise for myself and the person I am in a relationship with? Or is that basically just me being stubborn and unwilling to change at 80 in an apartment with 40 cats?

GAH! I just need ONE DAY a week ALONE. Hahahhahaaha! By the way, hearing someone say that I NEVER do a thing to help them pisses me the FUCK off, ESPECIALLY when I've put so many things in my life on hold to better the situation.

Legs and Voices

Getting an oil change on my car. I delay doing this all the time. Just seems like waiting around doing nothing for 30-45 minutes is a waste of time. But I need a car that runs.

Sitting in the lobby of the automotive place and with a book I picked out from my mom's house library. "A Million Little Pieces" by James Frey. The cover caught my attention years back, but the fact that it was in Oprah's Book Club kept me away. That is until the controversy about his "autobiography" came out. I wouldn't waste MY money on it, but now that I could borrow it, I'll take a peek.

I can't help but read this as fiction. Each time I refocus on the words and his story, my mind drifts back to, "this is fiction." Do any of you do that when you read books or poetry? Can I blame A.D.D.? I don't even HAVE A.D.D., but I like using it as an excuse whenever my mind wanders or when I'm multi-tasking.

Each time a new customer walks in, my ears perk up onto the conversations. I try to tune them out and get back to reading, but I like this real life channel surfing into their lives.

A golf pro, or maybe just a golf fan, talks the receptionist into changing the channel from music to some celebrity golf game. I don't see faces, I don't care to look up. All I see is their legs and hear their voices. His wife uses a voice louder than most indoors. I can't help but hear their conversation about watching & recording this show. It's OBVIOUS they want everyone to know they know about golf. And the first name this man spouts off... Tiger Woods. *shudders* (Dude, if you want to impress people about golf, please don't throw around that philanderer of a douche, Tiger.)

Not even 5 minutes later, the golf couple walk out of the shop without even THANKING the receptionist for changing the channel for he and his wife. Asshole. (Thanks for the consideration of others, buddy. I really don't need to be exposed to the world of golf. It will not enrich my life.)

Back to James Frey...

Legs and voices. Oh hey! I recognize that shower smell. These people walking in must be Hispanic. (Read, read, read. Focus on the words.) Man starts to reply to the attendant in English with strong Spanish accent. I knew it! That was the smell of Irish Spring soap. The commercial jingle for Irish Spring is ingrained in the memory of every Hispanic that has ever watched Don Francisco.

Legs and voices.

Don't Speak

"... I know the words you're sayin, so please stop explainin'..." (No Doubt lyrics. I think in music.) I lost my voice. Bah humbug. Haven't had a voice since late Wednesday night. My older step-brother, Jorge, played an acoustic set at the little wine bar I like to go to. Their Facebook page announced they were having auditions every Wednesday for the month of January to book musicians at their upcoming Live Music weekend events. My brother was able to spread the word to enough friends that lived locally at attend his set... and drink wine, of course.

There was a pretty good crowd there for a weekday evening. His set was only supposed to be 2 songs, but the positive crowd feedback allowed him to play about 9 songs that night. He sang some of his original work, written in Spanish and English. There were some Creedence Clearwater covers thrown in there as well. I was really proud of my brother. :)

The wine bar booked him for one of their events. We promised to pack the house. Looking forward to a fun night with my bro and old friends. Now let's see if I can figure out how to embed a YouTube video of him on here...

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DZHM1jp8GI2w%26feature%3Dshare&h=gAQGfQC_oAQGkjv7lKZDJsD9QMrND1odAolW-K7jeEkOGEw

Well, THAT didn't work. Let's try this again...

Daddy's Little Girl

You can call me Daddy's Little Girl. I was just that, afterall.

Wednesday morning, I met with one of my dad's best friends for coffee. I wasn't really active in my dad's life when he became friends with this man. He's a local attorney, and, from what I can tell, has always been a nice person. After a few Facebook posts, we decided to meet up to talk about my dad. It has been about 13 years since my dad passed away of a heart attack.

My father was really involved with the local community. He would help out in our Catholic church and we were all part of the choir for Sunday Spanish Mass. Our town was fairly small at that time (pop. 5,000). If it were up to me, I would have NO part in it, but everyone I went to school with went to church there, and helped out someway or another.

My father didn't always live this way. The first half of his life, he was an alcoholic and ladies man. He wanted a boy, and got me instead. I was his little sidekick.

His story is so incredible, a Mexican illegal immigrant eventually getting his citizenship, starting an AA Chapter, taking us along to meetings and anniversaries up and down the State (CA), bringing politicians and to our small town for housing development for the poor. Honestly some impressive stuff. I'll share tidbits later.

Back to coffee... I was holding back the tears for most of the hour. We spoke about how they first met through our Catholic church. The priest at the time was always trying to help the poor in our community. Our family was among the poor, but my dad and our family would still give back to our community (which annoyed the CRAP out of me. I was a selfish kid; sue me.) Our priest and the lawyer set one day a month to offer free consultations to our parishoners. My father would help immigrants and their families with the paperwork to become citizens. There was a part of the process where an attorney would be needed in some cases, and that's where my father was unable to help these families.

My father's friend told me that my dad approached him and asked him to take on these cases. Since the attorney was not an immigration attorney, he was not able to take on the cases himself. Still wanting to help, the attorney began to make some calls and was eventually connected with a female immigration attorney in California. She ended up being a relative of Cesar Chavez, someone who lived to right the social injustices and worker's rights for Hispanic farm laborers.

My father and the attorney, Ron, became very close friends after this. They both worked closely with our priest, Father Garcia. Ron and I were able to share a few funny stories and a little about how my father's sudden death affected us. We agreed to meet more often to share more stories. It's a way for us to keep my dad's memory alive and to find out what kind of man he was in someone else's eyes.

Ron left me with one profound statement. He said, "If there is only one thing to be said about your father, it is that 13 years later this gringo attorney still thinks of him and misses him often."

Yeah, tear jerker. And the flood gates opened...

2012, The Year of the Mayan

... or something like that. Since my last post back in June of 2011, I moved... again. Francisco bought a home, and we moved out of my apartment. It was a hard transition to let go of something that was mine to move into something that's... not? I don't know. I guess I've been on my own for such a long time that it's hard for me to not have 100% ownership in where I'm at. On the bright side, I'm not homeless! (I'm sure I'm coming across as ungrateful, but honestly I'm just a control freak.)

Business is going good. Busy with a lot of clients: Buyers, Seller and Renters. The entire process is much slower than I am used to from years past. I expect everyone to be on it and communicate, but no such luck. These days it takes about 3 days to get an email, text or call back. I'm making the best of it. I'm not working on workaholic mode like I would like to, but I'm handling it.

My 18 year old daughter was accepted into a private college here in the Bay Area. She had the majority of her tuition covered through scholarships and grants. She finished this past semester with a 3.97 GPA while working her first part-time job.

My 16 year old son got onto the JV Soccer Team and played on a competition team during the summer. Unfortunately, he didn't listen to Mom and failed miserably this semester in high school. No soccer for him this year. He seems to think that everything in life is easy, and that he can just breeze by. Not in my house - hahaha! I have been having to look his homework over like I used to when he was in elementary school. I am hoping he will take the initiative and work hard on his own because HE wants to succeed.

Getting out to San Francisco, Oakland and Berkeley just isn't as easy as it once was for me. My time is limited to work and baby these days. I was feeling complacent, and that was bothering me. I finally left the safety of suburbia to go to an Art Show in Oakland this past weekend. I thought it would awaken my inner need to be creative and do something with all these thoughts and feelings. I just need to do it.

I'm taking my health serious these days. Drinking has bored me. And made me fat. Well, ok, not FAT, but muffin top-ish. I'm not into super skinny, I just want the muscle and definition. The pounds aren't melting off, but I can feel my legs getting stronger. My arms and shoulders have never been hard to tone quick.

And with that I am off to Zumba. Yes, my friends, Zumba. I am now a part of the Zumba cult, thanks to my dear friend, Dianna. It only took her a year to convince me (brainwash me). It's ok, this instructor is really good and I love her music selection. Gotta beat the crowd, those Zumba folks are almost like Nancy Kerrigan and Tanya Harding. If I ever get clubbed in the knee, it was the Zumba cult...