Death

Back in November I felt a surge of the reality of death. It wasn't because I was one year older. In fact, I'm not the least bit bothered by my age. I don't even "feel" my age. The increasing number doesn't scare me or embarrass me. I look forward to each birthday, especially milestone birthdays.



This year was different. I felt like death was all around me. Not like I was going to die, but that death was just near and more real. I guess in the past I just felt like my circle was invincible.



This year, so far, two of my friends have passed away. I didn't think I would take it as hard as I did. The first one to pass was a mentor in real estate. He took me under his wing my first year of real estate and passed on great knowledge about life and investing. He was an immigrant from Croatia and came to the U.S. as a young adult. His accent was very heavy. He told me how he and his wife bought their first home as newlyweds. It was a "shack," as he described it. He said they would work endlessly to repair it and make it liveable. Once they lived there for a bit they bought another home, rented their first home out and continued doing that with more homes throughout their marriage.



He introduced me to the "gang" and we began having lunches together at Cap's Restaurant in Downtown Brentwood. We all worked in the same office for about 10 years. They were ALL over 50 years old, and I hadn't even turned 20. After we all left that real estate office and joined other brokerages, I rarely ran into any of them again. The bond was still there. I broke down at his funeral. He was the first of our office to pass. Their age was becoming a reality that death really was near. He passed away in his home alone of natural causes.



Recently, a friend and husband of a colleague, committed suicide in his home. He was only 41. The last time I hung out with he and his wife was in the beginning of May. We all attended a fundraiser at the horse races in Berkeley. We sat together after lunch and drank and laughed and were making plans for hanging out soon. They invited me to join them at their cabin later that evening to celebrate their daughter's 21st birthday at the casino near their place. I planned to go after a friend's birthday dinner later that night. I never showed up. That's the last time I saw my friend. I can't stop thinking of his smile and laugh and how excited he was about getting together and celebrating his daughter's birthday and how much fun we were all going to have at their cabin. FUCK. I should have went. I regret not going. I regret not going and having fun with them. I wonder if enjoying life to the fullest that night would have changed his mind about suicide. My friend was right. Suicide leaves behind a bunch of What Ifs. I hate it.



 I hate that he couldn't have waited 5 more minutes for the overwhelming feeling of despair and hopelessness and sadness left him. I hate that he felt so alone in those last few minutes or seconds that drove him to put a gun in his mouth. I hate the thought of his soul regretting the decision he made the second he pulled that trigger. I HATE IT ALL!



I wish I could cushion all the pain and loneliness and sadness any of my friends and family feel. I wish they could see that things will all get better eventually. Eventually. We can all weather the storm if we have just one person to lean on. I don't have that one person I can just lay my head on and fall apart. I wish I could do that. I don't think I have it in me to fall apart like that in front of another person. Wait. I take that back. I CAN do that with someone, but I have never met a person that I feel is strong enough for the two of us. I have always been the stronger person. I would love to find someone that would be strong enough for the both of us to let me fall apart for just a few minutes.



Jaime's suicide brought back so many emotions from my own brother's suicide 10 years ago. Anger that both made such a final decision is the biggest emotion yet. Anger that they would leave that type of legacy for their children. Angry that they couldn't have made a different decision than the one they chose. Angry that they both did it in their homes. Just angry. I wanted to throw everything in my immediate surrounding to the side. I wanted to kick anything around me. I still felt this way at Jaime's funeral. I wanted to pick up the folding chairs and just throw them. All I kept thinking is, "Why? Why the fuck would you do this?! Why couldn't you just wait 5 minutes until the thought passed?!"



And now my stepmom. My stepmom is dealing with some pretty scary health issues. I'm hoping it's not the worst. I really am. The last 11 days have been scary for her. I started visiting and talking to her more often around her birthday in September. But the last month or so the conversations she's been having with me are more about the past. Like kind of giving more detailed and personal information about things so we know our family history. And her recipes. And just a lot of little things from us growing up. It feels like it's her preparation. I sincerely hope it's not the worst thing I can imagine. She sees a neurologist this Friday. I'm definitely not liking where this is going.

Hello, my name is Virginia and I'm a Workaholic

Seriously. How can a person want to immerse themselves in work so much? I know it stems from growing up believing a good work ethic is a key to success. And I admit that I also do it to run away from troubles or stress in my personal life. It's my perfect little drug. Work = money = recognition = ... what? What am I looking for? Success? Respect? Admiration? An escape from thinking I suck ass at making decisions for the personal relationships I choose? The life choices I've made? Knowing I'm going to continue making shitty decisions in my future? Seriously. What gives? LOL!

It's an addiction. I know it's an addiction, and don't try to convince me otherwise. LOL! I guess it's more of an acceptable addiction. But if you were to ask my kids or my family I know damn well they would tell you they hate it. They've suffered. There are too many family get-togethers, holidays and day trips I've skipped or cancelled for work.

And yet, here I am. Chosing to do more work, even though it is well past traditional business hours. And I will probably continue working past 10 pm today. There will be something I think of, or a call or email I will take before I "shut it down" for the night.

It's such a beautiful night. I just put up the Christmas tree with my 5 yr old and my older son. He stopped by in between jobs to help me put it up and decorate it. I have the front blinds open and I can see the neighbor's twinkling lights from here. I'm listening to Alicia Key's sing her Unplugged version of "If I Ain't Got You." And the soft sound of light rain completes the scene. The moment. And yet, all I can think of is how I need to start working on that pile of marketing to my left.

It's a Nice Day for a White Wedding

....it's a nice day to start again... Oh, Billy Idol, you were so right.

About 3 days ago, I would have been celebrating my 20th wedding anniversary. Crazy. The legal issues with the ex have been resolved for now. Work is crazy busy with all these buyers, but it means absolutely nothing since I cannot seem to get anyone into a home right now. My only paychecks this year have been with securing tenants in rentals. Huge difference in pay, but a client is a client to me. They still need a home to live in, and I will still help them.

School is not going as well as last semester. I only signed up for one course, Art History. Learning about Renaissance and Medieval stuff. It's a real interesting class on the architecture and Christian religion. I wish I had the time that I was able to dedicate to class like last semester. I am horrible at time management this time around.

Earlier this year I made a Vision Board. Typical stuff: lose 10 pounds, take a vacation, buy a new car, other various trips. I think I've accomplished 3 of them so far.

Lots of changes in life these last 4 or 5 months. I'm pretty open with my friends, but I think some people are taking that too far and thinking they have a say in my decisions. No mas! I'm stressing about living up to the expectations people have of me, rather than about doing what I think is right for myself. It's time for me to start enforcing boundaries and being less open if people can't keep their ideas of how I should be living my life to themselves.

And with that I am off to finish my work, complete my homework before class on Monday, and maybe just MAYBE spend some time with my kids before the sun sets again...

Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue

... I've got nothing.

Considering I'm broke as hell, I sure have being doing a lot this year. I've spent the last 5 Valentine's with my kids as my dates. This year was no different. My 17 yr old got to pick out where we ate, while my 3 yr old picked out what movie we would watch. My 19 yr old works at a restaurant, so she was stuck working all evening. Mikey decided he wanted to get Pho and some Thai Ice Tea. Cheap date, but soooooo yummy. There weren't many kid movies playing at the local theaters, but we managed to find two good choices for my 3 yr old. We ended up watching Wreck It Ralph for the 3rd time. That part of the date was more expensive than the dinner. LOL!

This past weekend I went out of town for the night with a couple of my co-workers. They had been asking me to go to this wine event in Murphys, a little over an hour away. We stayed at the historic Murphys Hotel and had a balcony room. This hotel is said to be haunted, and everything looks like it's straight from the 1800s. The bathrooms and showers are community bathrooms, and authentic as well. One bathroom had a toilet that flushes from a tank near the ceiling. The whole place was really cool.

We only made it to a handful of wineries, but that was ok. We had our own stash of wine, cheese and bread back in our room. While everyone else was downstairs dancing at the bar and downing beers, we decided to hang out on the balcony with our own music and had a party of our own. The good thing was that we paced ourselves and woke up tired, but without hangovers.

Monday night was our girl concert to see P!nk in San Jose. Her acrobatics were amazing!

Considering all the stressful crap happening in my life right now: issues at home, fighting with ex-husband in court again and normal day-to-day stuff, I am glad I had these things as my mental escape.

A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

I always used to think that saying was cheesy. December 2012, it made sense.

As sad as it is to end some relationships in our lives, sometimes it is needed. This one particular one was for a reason. A good reason. It has definitely taught me patience and understanding. Where as before I would have spouted off the first thing to come to mind, now I have learned to hold my tongue. I learned that piercing words are not necessary to make someone else feel the same hurt as I am feeling. I've also learned to try to step back and look at the situation objectively. In other words, I've matured.

Sucks that it took 6 years to learn, but better late than never, right?

I hope that my past mistakes and experiences will come across to this person as a reason for me being in their life as well. That I somehow served a positive purpose as well. At the end of the day, I am content with "a reason, a season, a lifetime."

It's Been One Week Since You Looked At Me

... It'll still be two days til we say we're sorry... (This post was originally written on June 21th, 2012)

Well, really, it's been about a month since my last post. June 20th I attended my first event to help break a World Record. Granted, the same local town came up with the idea several years ago, they continue to break their own "World Record". The event is called Paddle For Fame. The point is to have as many non-motorized floating devices attached to one-another to assemble the largest non-motorized flotilla. The afternoon started out with mixing our drinks for the trip and packing a lunch. This booze fest requires we stay hydrated and fed. Since we were going on Genie's paddleboat, it would have taken us FOREVER to paddle out to the event, so her hubby towed us out on their boat.

When we got there, it was party central in the middle of the water. So nutso! (That's my girl koozie I take on my adventures.) It was a lot of fun, but I definitely was not prepared for what was about to happen. The closer to the center of the flotilla we got, the more wasted everyone was. We were preparing to get the lunch we had packed, when a random drunk jumped on our paddleboat followed by his other drunk friend and they SUNK our battleship.

We had to tow that back to the dock ourselves by holding onto it with one arm each while paddling/swimming. My phone went bye-bye and down into the murky Delta. I think that was the 3rd phone I had gone through in one year. We were more ticked off with losing the lunch that we hadn't even taken a bite of. Genie ended up falling on the dock and scraping her knee, but other than that we were cracking up.

Discovery Bay ended up breaking their previous year's World Record and we plan on doing it again this year. LOL!

Chin Up

Working 12 hour days in heels is NO JOKE. I feel bad for strippers and hookers. Thankfully, I only worked 9 hours today. Needless to say, the soles of my feet are numb.

I have been lagging on signing up for class this semester. Classes begin next week. YIKES! I plan to register online tonight and do my financial aid stuff early Monday afternoon. I can't believe I am going to torture myself again with juggling studying, work and kids. Looks like I will only have to deal with 2 kids at home instead of 3. My oldest has decided to move out with her father, who happens to live with his mother. I am NOT cool with this. I am SERIOUSLY afraid of my daughter not getting pushed and settling in life. My biggest fear is that she get pregnant/married and drops out of school. This is really pissing me off. I wish she would just go live in the dorms instead.

My middle son (17) has decided to join the Army after he graduates. I was shocked at first, but I think it will do him some good. He'll be able to get the self-discipline he needs to push himself through life. I'll be worried everyday, but I know he needs to do this for himself.

This is where a parent hopes that all the lessons we taught our children stick with them.

I finally started my blog/InstagramI/FB page for my little hobby. I'm calling it Girl About Town CA, the CA for obvious reasons. Girl About Town for one of my favorite M.A.C. lipsticks. I've only posted once so far, but I'll work on getting the rest of my shots up there with the back stories. Should be fun. :)