I'm Just an Evil, Mean, Hurtful, Fucked Up Person

"...You were never really wrong in the first place, right?
I'm gonna just ignore you
You don't want to make this work, you just wanna make this worse;
Want me to listen to you, but you don't ever hear my words;
you don't want to know my hurt

Let me guess, you want an apology
How can we keep going at a rate like this?
We can't
So I guess I'mma have to leave
Don't come after me
I just wanna be alone right now..."

Old Wounds

Your deceit has opened old wounds and those buried emotions from my forgotten life are creeping out. I tried not to compare you, to not let the mistakes of another follow your footsteps. It feels so familiar. Deep. A painful suffering that I tried to shake. To leave behind. Feeling unworthy. Undeserving of being loved or cherished. Blinded and led along by two people luring me into a false reality. Making me feel ashamed for being too friendly. All the while your smoke and mirrors distracting me from the secret you two shared. The slumbering monster you unknowingly stirred shows no mercy.

everything.

Mechanical Bull

"... Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend;
You crack the whip, shape-shift and trick the past again...
It's a mechanical bull, the number one;
You'll take a ride from anyone.
Everyone wants a ride..."

At times I bitch and complain that I find myself alone and relying on only myself in my toughest times or times of challenge. And then when I accomplish or overcome something an overwhelming sense of pride and a FUCK YEAH attitude sets in. I just completed my last college course for my California Real Estate Broker's License. My application, course transcripts and fingerprints are all in process. Almost there! And I did it all while dealing with some personal shit in life. FUCK. YEAH. No one can take that shit away from me.

I Can't Adult Today

I just wish I had one fucken stable person that I could depend on instead of it always being me.

(500) Days...

... As he listened, he began to realize that these weren't stories routinely told.
These were stories one had to earn... He could feel the wall coming down.
He wondered if anyone else had made it this far...

~ (500) Days of Summer

I Knew It

Walking around numb again today. Fifth death of a friend this year. He was only 30 years old. Died of a heart attack. Had sleep apnea. Felt surreal walking into Tailgaters yesterday and seeing all the staff and regulars in a somber mood. We all hugged in silence. Grown men getting emotional. Who knew someone could have that big of an impact on so many people. I think he would be in disbelief if he saw how many of us loved him. I'm picturing his smirk/smile. Can't stop crying when I think of it. Just need one of his bear hugs right now...

Patience - Of Which I Have NONE

When it comes to things I want, I have absolutely no patience to sit and wait for them to happen. I'm about a month away from getting my new car. I don't like paying interest on stuff, so I'm buying it cash. If I wouldn't have had my head up my ass last summer during my "Shit Show of 2014" I would have had it by now. Instead I was too busy partying and throwing money away. Now I'm pouting in my head like a little girl that's not getting what she wants. NOW. LOL! It's so close, I can taste it. WAHHH!! I want my baby so bad. :(



Next up on my list is completing my Real Estate Broker's License courses. I am more than halfway done with one book (Real Estate Appraisal) and have 2 more to go. I have to finish them all by the end of August. Some of the books and chapters are easy to get through and test on since I have experience, but some other ones are tough. I used to manage an office (recruit, train and retain agents), so I can use that as reference for a lot of things, but it's new territory when it comes to investing in office space, commercial real estate and guiding customers on weighing out their options when investing in real estate.



If I could have like 2 weeks of uninterrupted time to devote to these last books I know I would have them finished by then. It's hard to study with a 5 year old at home. I can't study in my office because other agents always want to talk to me or ask me questions. I can't study at a coffee shop because I get distracted with all the foot traffic and table conversations. LOL! Needless to say, my studying is going WAY slower than I want it to. I'm sure everyone around me is tired of me telling them I can't play because I'm studying. Hahaha! Oh well. Things will go back to normal once I complete these courses and take the state test.

Death

Back in November I felt a surge of the reality of death. It wasn't because I was one year older. In fact, I'm not the least bit bothered by my age. I don't even "feel" my age. The increasing number doesn't scare me or embarrass me. I look forward to each birthday, especially milestone birthdays.



This year was different. I felt like death was all around me. Not like I was going to die, but that death was just near and more real. I guess in the past I just felt like my circle was invincible.



This year, so far, two of my friends have passed away. I didn't think I would take it as hard as I did. The first one to pass was a mentor in real estate. He took me under his wing my first year of real estate and passed on great knowledge about life and investing. He was an immigrant from Croatia and came to the U.S. as a young adult. His accent was very heavy. He told me how he and his wife bought their first home as newlyweds. It was a "shack," as he described it. He said they would work endlessly to repair it and make it liveable. Once they lived there for a bit they bought another home, rented their first home out and continued doing that with more homes throughout their marriage.



He introduced me to the "gang" and we began having lunches together at Cap's Restaurant in Downtown Brentwood. We all worked in the same office for about 10 years. They were ALL over 50 years old, and I hadn't even turned 20. After we all left that real estate office and joined other brokerages, I rarely ran into any of them again. The bond was still there. I broke down at his funeral. He was the first of our office to pass. Their age was becoming a reality that death really was near. He passed away in his home alone of natural causes.



Recently, a friend and husband of a colleague, committed suicide in his home. He was only 41. The last time I hung out with he and his wife was in the beginning of May. We all attended a fundraiser at the horse races in Berkeley. We sat together after lunch and drank and laughed and were making plans for hanging out soon. They invited me to join them at their cabin later that evening to celebrate their daughter's 21st birthday at the casino near their place. I planned to go after a friend's birthday dinner later that night. I never showed up. That's the last time I saw my friend. I can't stop thinking of his smile and laugh and how excited he was about getting together and celebrating his daughter's birthday and how much fun we were all going to have at their cabin. FUCK. I should have went. I regret not going. I regret not going and having fun with them. I wonder if enjoying life to the fullest that night would have changed his mind about suicide. My friend was right. Suicide leaves behind a bunch of What Ifs. I hate it.



 I hate that he couldn't have waited 5 more minutes for the overwhelming feeling of despair and hopelessness and sadness left him. I hate that he felt so alone in those last few minutes or seconds that drove him to put a gun in his mouth. I hate the thought of his soul regretting the decision he made the second he pulled that trigger. I HATE IT ALL!



I wish I could cushion all the pain and loneliness and sadness any of my friends and family feel. I wish they could see that things will all get better eventually. Eventually. We can all weather the storm if we have just one person to lean on. I don't have that one person I can just lay my head on and fall apart. I wish I could do that. I don't think I have it in me to fall apart like that in front of another person. Wait. I take that back. I CAN do that with someone, but I have never met a person that I feel is strong enough for the two of us. I have always been the stronger person. I would love to find someone that would be strong enough for the both of us to let me fall apart for just a few minutes.



Jaime's suicide brought back so many emotions from my own brother's suicide 10 years ago. Anger that both made such a final decision is the biggest emotion yet. Anger that they would leave that type of legacy for their children. Angry that they couldn't have made a different decision than the one they chose. Angry that they both did it in their homes. Just angry. I wanted to throw everything in my immediate surrounding to the side. I wanted to kick anything around me. I still felt this way at Jaime's funeral. I wanted to pick up the folding chairs and just throw them. All I kept thinking is, "Why? Why the fuck would you do this?! Why couldn't you just wait 5 minutes until the thought passed?!"



And now my stepmom. My stepmom is dealing with some pretty scary health issues. I'm hoping it's not the worst. I really am. The last 11 days have been scary for her. I started visiting and talking to her more often around her birthday in September. But the last month or so the conversations she's been having with me are more about the past. Like kind of giving more detailed and personal information about things so we know our family history. And her recipes. And just a lot of little things from us growing up. It feels like it's her preparation. I sincerely hope it's not the worst thing I can imagine. She sees a neurologist this Friday. I'm definitely not liking where this is going.

Hello, my name is Virginia and I'm a Workaholic

Seriously. How can a person want to immerse themselves in work so much? I know it stems from growing up believing a good work ethic is a key to success. And I admit that I also do it to run away from troubles or stress in my personal life. It's my perfect little drug. Work = money = recognition = ... what? What am I looking for? Success? Respect? Admiration? An escape from thinking I suck ass at making decisions for the personal relationships I choose? The life choices I've made? Knowing I'm going to continue making shitty decisions in my future? Seriously. What gives? LOL!

It's an addiction. I know it's an addiction, and don't try to convince me otherwise. LOL! I guess it's more of an acceptable addiction. But if you were to ask my kids or my family I know damn well they would tell you they hate it. They've suffered. There are too many family get-togethers, holidays and day trips I've skipped or cancelled for work.

And yet, here I am. Chosing to do more work, even though it is well past traditional business hours. And I will probably continue working past 10 pm today. There will be something I think of, or a call or email I will take before I "shut it down" for the night.

It's such a beautiful night. I just put up the Christmas tree with my 5 yr old and my older son. He stopped by in between jobs to help me put it up and decorate it. I have the front blinds open and I can see the neighbor's twinkling lights from here. I'm listening to Alicia Key's sing her Unplugged version of "If I Ain't Got You." And the soft sound of light rain completes the scene. The moment. And yet, all I can think of is how I need to start working on that pile of marketing to my left.

It's a Nice Day for a White Wedding

....it's a nice day to start again... Oh, Billy Idol, you were so right.

About 3 days ago, I would have been celebrating my 20th wedding anniversary. Crazy. The legal issues with the ex have been resolved for now. Work is crazy busy with all these buyers, but it means absolutely nothing since I cannot seem to get anyone into a home right now. My only paychecks this year have been with securing tenants in rentals. Huge difference in pay, but a client is a client to me. They still need a home to live in, and I will still help them.

School is not going as well as last semester. I only signed up for one course, Art History. Learning about Renaissance and Medieval stuff. It's a real interesting class on the architecture and Christian religion. I wish I had the time that I was able to dedicate to class like last semester. I am horrible at time management this time around.

Earlier this year I made a Vision Board. Typical stuff: lose 10 pounds, take a vacation, buy a new car, other various trips. I think I've accomplished 3 of them so far.

Lots of changes in life these last 4 or 5 months. I'm pretty open with my friends, but I think some people are taking that too far and thinking they have a say in my decisions. No mas! I'm stressing about living up to the expectations people have of me, rather than about doing what I think is right for myself. It's time for me to start enforcing boundaries and being less open if people can't keep their ideas of how I should be living my life to themselves.

And with that I am off to finish my work, complete my homework before class on Monday, and maybe just MAYBE spend some time with my kids before the sun sets again...

Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue

... I've got nothing.

Considering I'm broke as hell, I sure have being doing a lot this year. I've spent the last 5 Valentine's with my kids as my dates. This year was no different. My 17 yr old got to pick out where we ate, while my 3 yr old picked out what movie we would watch. My 19 yr old works at a restaurant, so she was stuck working all evening. Mikey decided he wanted to get Pho and some Thai Ice Tea. Cheap date, but soooooo yummy. There weren't many kid movies playing at the local theaters, but we managed to find two good choices for my 3 yr old. We ended up watching Wreck It Ralph for the 3rd time. That part of the date was more expensive than the dinner. LOL!

This past weekend I went out of town for the night with a couple of my co-workers. They had been asking me to go to this wine event in Murphys, a little over an hour away. We stayed at the historic Murphys Hotel and had a balcony room. This hotel is said to be haunted, and everything looks like it's straight from the 1800s. The bathrooms and showers are community bathrooms, and authentic as well. One bathroom had a toilet that flushes from a tank near the ceiling. The whole place was really cool.

We only made it to a handful of wineries, but that was ok. We had our own stash of wine, cheese and bread back in our room. While everyone else was downstairs dancing at the bar and downing beers, we decided to hang out on the balcony with our own music and had a party of our own. The good thing was that we paced ourselves and woke up tired, but without hangovers.

Monday night was our girl concert to see P!nk in San Jose. Her acrobatics were amazing!

Considering all the stressful crap happening in my life right now: issues at home, fighting with ex-husband in court again and normal day-to-day stuff, I am glad I had these things as my mental escape.

A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

I always used to think that saying was cheesy. December 2012, it made sense.

As sad as it is to end some relationships in our lives, sometimes it is needed. This one particular one was for a reason. A good reason. It has definitely taught me patience and understanding. Where as before I would have spouted off the first thing to come to mind, now I have learned to hold my tongue. I learned that piercing words are not necessary to make someone else feel the same hurt as I am feeling. I've also learned to try to step back and look at the situation objectively. In other words, I've matured.

Sucks that it took 6 years to learn, but better late than never, right?

I hope that my past mistakes and experiences will come across to this person as a reason for me being in their life as well. That I somehow served a positive purpose as well. At the end of the day, I am content with "a reason, a season, a lifetime."

It's Been One Week Since You Looked At Me

... It'll still be two days til we say we're sorry... (This post was originally written on June 21th, 2012)

Well, really, it's been about a month since my last post. June 20th I attended my first event to help break a World Record. Granted, the same local town came up with the idea several years ago, they continue to break their own "World Record". The event is called Paddle For Fame. The point is to have as many non-motorized floating devices attached to one-another to assemble the largest non-motorized flotilla. The afternoon started out with mixing our drinks for the trip and packing a lunch. This booze fest requires we stay hydrated and fed. Since we were going on Genie's paddleboat, it would have taken us FOREVER to paddle out to the event, so her hubby towed us out on their boat.

When we got there, it was party central in the middle of the water. So nutso! (That's my girl koozie I take on my adventures.) It was a lot of fun, but I definitely was not prepared for what was about to happen. The closer to the center of the flotilla we got, the more wasted everyone was. We were preparing to get the lunch we had packed, when a random drunk jumped on our paddleboat followed by his other drunk friend and they SUNK our battleship.

We had to tow that back to the dock ourselves by holding onto it with one arm each while paddling/swimming. My phone went bye-bye and down into the murky Delta. I think that was the 3rd phone I had gone through in one year. We were more ticked off with losing the lunch that we hadn't even taken a bite of. Genie ended up falling on the dock and scraping her knee, but other than that we were cracking up.

Discovery Bay ended up breaking their previous year's World Record and we plan on doing it again this year. LOL!

Chin Up

Working 12 hour days in heels is NO JOKE. I feel bad for strippers and hookers. Thankfully, I only worked 9 hours today. Needless to say, the soles of my feet are numb.

I have been lagging on signing up for class this semester. Classes begin next week. YIKES! I plan to register online tonight and do my financial aid stuff early Monday afternoon. I can't believe I am going to torture myself again with juggling studying, work and kids. Looks like I will only have to deal with 2 kids at home instead of 3. My oldest has decided to move out with her father, who happens to live with his mother. I am NOT cool with this. I am SERIOUSLY afraid of my daughter not getting pushed and settling in life. My biggest fear is that she get pregnant/married and drops out of school. This is really pissing me off. I wish she would just go live in the dorms instead.

My middle son (17) has decided to join the Army after he graduates. I was shocked at first, but I think it will do him some good. He'll be able to get the self-discipline he needs to push himself through life. I'll be worried everyday, but I know he needs to do this for himself.

This is where a parent hopes that all the lessons we taught our children stick with them.

I finally started my blog/InstagramI/FB page for my little hobby. I'm calling it Girl About Town CA, the CA for obvious reasons. Girl About Town for one of my favorite M.A.C. lipsticks. I've only posted once so far, but I'll work on getting the rest of my shots up there with the back stories. Should be fun. :)

Bummed Out

Still bummed out. Can't seem to get out of this funk. SHIT! I seem to not dwell on the past or what is hurting me at the moment when I am busy at work, but now that I am home and the house is quiet it's hitting me again.

Work was busy again today. For a short time, I had to take my 3 yr old son in with me. That was a BIG mistake. It took me 2.5 hours to finish something that would normally take me 30 minutes. To top it off, he started whining and screaming towards the end just as my boss and her client showed up to the office. FABULOUS. I couldn't shut down my laptop and run out of there fast enough. Do you remember those cartoons with steam blowing out of the bull's nose and ears? THAT was me this afternoon.

I feel so bad complaining about my kid, considering TWO childhood friends have recently lost their children. One of my friends lost her 2-3 year old son to cancer. Another friend lost his 9 year old daughter to cancer on Christmas. WHY THE HELL AM I COMPLAINING about MY kid?!?!?!? There are days I could just slap myself for even THINKING about how rough I have it with my little terror.

My 19 year old daughter still hasn't came back home. She said she needed time away from me since I was always mad and yelling, so she's been staying at her grandmother's (my ex-husband still lives with his parents) for the last few weeks. My 17 year old son is still on Christmas break, so he's staying there too as far as the visitation arrangements go with the court. I miss them both terribly, but I am also enjoying this break while I can. I am trying to detach from my daughter so that if she decides she no longer wants to live with me it won't hurt as much.

Man, I did not think in a million years that starting over was going to affect our lives this way. Again, I know I have put WAY too much effort into this relationship than it is worth to me. Maybe if the other person would try to make changes or at least recognize and admit to their short-comings it wouldn't feel like so much of a waste. Fuck it. I guess I will always make mistakes in life. That's the only way I ever seem to learn.

Enough pissing and moaning from me for the night. I need to get back to these silly calendars documenting all the months of non-payment of child support. I see fun times at the Family Law court in my near future...

2013 Resolutions

I'm not much of a New Year "resolution" person, but figured it would be better for me to get it out in the universe and possibly in front on my face so I would stick with it. Most of my "resolutions" in the past revolved around my real estate business, so I would just use my business plans to serve that purpose. Now I'm realizing I should probably get some guides or plans set and in writing for 2013, if I really want to see these goals through.

Going back to school the Fall semester of 2012 got me fired up to get back to the things that I once enjoyed, loved and had planned for myself. I'm sure I've mentioned this in the past when I explained about me dropping out of college. I was married at the time and in a violent, unhealthy relationship. In attempt to keep my husband from jumping to conclusions, I hastily hid a note from a male classmate and childhood friend. The note was pretty innocent, "Missed you today. Let's meet for lunch." I should have just thrown it away, but I was in a hurry when I got to my car and just threw it in my jeans pocket.

Later that day, as I laid in bed, I realized the note was still in my pocket. I knew my husband would feel it and take it out to read it and think the worst thing possible, so I took it out and threw it on the side of my bed as soon as he left the room. Days went by and I completely forgot about the note. While cleaning one day, he found it while I was at work and went into a violent rage at my job. I ended up dropping out of school that week to avoid any future problems with him.

Fifteen years later, and a divorce, I went back to school for one class to see how I'd fare. Juggling work, a toddler, two grown children and a life was not easy. I'm afraid to fail if I try to take on more classes and afraid of having to turn business away if I happen to get busy in real estate again. I'm definitely at a crossroads with what I want to do in life this year. I only have a week or two to decide which direction I am going to take, or if I'm going to attempt to do both at the same time. I know I can do whatever I put my mind to, but I'm worried about which aspect of my life is going to suffer in doing so.

That being said, here is what I would like to accomplish in 2013:

1) Take 2 or 3 courses in college this Spring semester. Depending on how I do with succeeding AND completing those courses, take another 2 or 3 for Fall 2013.

2) Change focus in real estate to pursue listings so they are 70% of my yearly business. This means changing my marketing strategies and dedicating time to initiate the new campaigns.

3) Saying "no" and setting boundaries again. I have stopped doing this for a few years because I've felt guilty in putting myself first. What I've found is that I overwhelm myself with trying to please too many other people and I've taken on more than I can handle some days. I also over-book myself and end up running late to everything, which leads to more frustration and stress.

4) Practicing patience, understanding and encouragement when it comes to my kids. I am so focused on helping the person I am in a relationship with that I have lost focus on my kids. The lack of communication with him and the feeling of not having the help I need from him when it comes to juggling a household and dealing with our toddler is too much. When expressing my wishes and expectations as a couple, a family and adults doesn't change anything or even seem like there are attempts to change, that's when I want to throw my hands up and give up. This is taking more time than it's worth to me. My kids need me to provide them a strong foundation, and I will do that alone if I have to. I've done it before and I can do it again. Whether that is ending this relationship, or just disconnecting for the time being.

5) I want to start living for myself again. Again, out of guilt, I have stopped planning, hoping and actually doing some things (like traveling and taking time for myself) because I feel like I don't want to share or ruin these things with a person that cannot or will not truly appreciate the moment/experience. That has only made me unhappy.

6) Enjoy my hobbies/interests. I love reading, writing and taking pictures. I have all these ideas for putting something together and incorporating these things I love doing. I want to get a blog that links up with a Facebook page and Instagram account to all mesh with what I have in mind.

Hmmm... instead of feeling optimistic about all of this, I just feel sad. I guess it's because I know some things are going to have to change in my life and that some people will come out of this with their feelings hurt. To take back some happiness and sanity in my life, this is what I feel I have to do for myself.

Feeling Confident Again

I'm not sure if I mentioned in my last post that I recently went back to school. It's just one course, but I wasn't sure if I would remember how to study and write papers after being out of school for over 15 years. I am proud to announce that I have received all A's on my essays and papers so far.

I am feeling quite independent again. This accomplishment is something that I alone have done. No outside influences. The motivation and determination to study and do well is something that comes from within me, something that no one else can claim to be a part of. I'm feeling confident again.

I wanted to share this with all of you, or just put it out there in the universe. It is truly a rewarding and positive feeling. Facebook just didn't seem like the right place to post this. I am not looking for praise or ass-kissing, just wanting to share the good feeling. :)

There is a study abroad program available at this junior college. The possibility of being able to go to Paris or Italy is exciting. Those are two countries that I have always dreamed about visiting since I was a kid. If I can keep these grades up for another semester or two, then the reality of actually going is that much closer. All I would need is to qualify for the grants and scholarships. It feels damn good to be able to dream about something I want again and know that it will soon be my reality.

Change Is In the Air

Well, I went back to school. I enrolled in the local J.C. this semester in an American Humanities course, just to get my feet wet. I'm glad I started out with only one course. After 15 years of not being in school I've completely forgotten how to study and how to write an essay.

It's only been a few weeks, maybe a month, and I've already submitted two Film Reviews and an Essay Exam. First paper received a 11 out of 10 (yay me!) and second 10 of 10. Kind of nervous for this Essay Exam since I had a ton of turmoil in my life the last week.

Real Estate is incredibly slow for me right now. Like the rest of the country, we are experiencing multiple offers and many are bidding about $10,000 to $20,000 over asking price. Besides facing those odds, there's also the competition with cash buyers. Yes, CASH buyers.

My daughter is in her Sophmore year in college, but still living at home. I don't think she's ready to leave just yet. Either that or she really likes her job here in the area and doesn't want to quit. My son is in his Senior year of high school. He is finally starting to take school serious, a little late in the game but I'm glad he's actually putting in time and effort. He got into the ROP program for Sports Medicine and he's enjoying his internship hours, even though he pretends to be exhausted after his "long day at work." The baby is no longer a baby. He's turning 3 in a few days. Kid is pretty sharp. Knows his colors and can count a bit.

Pics of my adventures in 2012:

Concannon Winery, Livermore, CA

Santa Monica Pier, CA

Monterey Tide Pools, CA

Ski Beach, Discovery Bay, CA

Golden Gate Fields, Emeryville, CA

Definitely things that make me smile right now. :)

"Johnny, la gente esta muy loca..."

..."whaat tha ****?!" That's how I'm feeling today. I was once a girl who was able to be open-minded and look within to my reactions. I'm just not that person these days.

Having another kid has DEFINITELY taken away "me" time. I think I just re-learned to stuff all those feelings down and lock them away until I had time to sift through everything. There was a lot of frustration that first year from not having time alone to analyze my day, my reactions, my thoughts and my words. When I couldn't find a solution for an outlet and felt like there would be no break for myself anytime soon, I just stuffed it all away.

There are reactions of mine from the past that I need to deal with. I need to figure out what in the hell made me act a certain way. I need to come up with a plan or solution to change and react differently in the future. I thought I had matured and was able to take constructive critizism and listen to how others view me. Did I turn into this arrogant and selfish person over the last few years, or have I always been that way and didn't know it?

Just a bit ago, I read an old article about Anne Hathaway and how she coped with her break-up with her Italian boyfriend that was found guilty of money laundering, conspiracy and wire fraud. In the article she mentions how many of us want to be the best partner the other person has ever had. We tend to pressure ourselves into being more secure and confident than we really are just to impress this new person we are dating. Eventually our true selves comes out and sometimes that can be really ugly.

It made me think WHY is it that we do that? Why is it that I do that? Will I ever feel comfortable enough to just be myself from the get go? I mean, I AM myself with my friends and family, so what is so different from doing the same to a person I am dating?

I've been in a relationship where I was submissive. I've had a relationship where I had no filter and have said EVERYTHING that was on my mind. And now I'm in a relationship where I'm trying to bite my tongue when needed, yet also speak my opinion. Will there ever be a time when I can find an acceptable compromise for myself and the person I am in a relationship with? Or is that basically just me being stubborn and unwilling to change at 80 in an apartment with 40 cats?

GAH! I just need ONE DAY a week ALONE. Hahahhahaaha! By the way, hearing someone say that I NEVER do a thing to help them pisses me the FUCK off, ESPECIALLY when I've put so many things in my life on hold to better the situation.