I'm Just an Evil, Mean, Hurtful, Fucked Up Person

"...You were never really wrong in the first place, right?
I'm gonna just ignore you
You don't want to make this work, you just wanna make this worse;
Want me to listen to you, but you don't ever hear my words;
you don't want to know my hurt

Let me guess, you want an apology
How can we keep going at a rate like this?
We can't
So I guess I'mma have to leave
Don't come after me
I just wanna be alone right now..."

Old Wounds

Your deceit has opened old wounds and those buried emotions from my forgotten life are creeping out. I tried not to compare you, to not let the mistakes of another follow your footsteps. It feels so familiar. Deep. A painful suffering that I tried to shake. To leave behind. Feeling unworthy. Undeserving of being loved or cherished. Blinded and led along by two people luring me into a false reality. Making me feel ashamed for being too friendly. All the while your smoke and mirrors distracting me from the secret you two shared. The slumbering monster you unknowingly stirred shows no mercy.

everything.

Mechanical Bull

"... Now that the truth is just a rule that you can bend;
You crack the whip, shape-shift and trick the past again...
It's a mechanical bull, the number one;
You'll take a ride from anyone.
Everyone wants a ride..."

At times I bitch and complain that I find myself alone and relying on only myself in my toughest times or times of challenge. And then when I accomplish or overcome something an overwhelming sense of pride and a FUCK YEAH attitude sets in. I just completed my last college course for my California Real Estate Broker's License. My application, course transcripts and fingerprints are all in process. Almost there! And I did it all while dealing with some personal shit in life. FUCK. YEAH. No one can take that shit away from me.

I Can't Adult Today

I just wish I had one fucken stable person that I could depend on instead of it always being me.

(500) Days...

... As he listened, he began to realize that these weren't stories routinely told.
These were stories one had to earn... He could feel the wall coming down.
He wondered if anyone else had made it this far...

~ (500) Days of Summer

I Knew It

Walking around numb again today. Fifth death of a friend this year. He was only 30 years old. Died of a heart attack. Had sleep apnea. Felt surreal walking into Tailgaters yesterday and seeing all the staff and regulars in a somber mood. We all hugged in silence. Grown men getting emotional. Who knew someone could have that big of an impact on so many people. I think he would be in disbelief if he saw how many of us loved him. I'm picturing his smirk/smile. Can't stop crying when I think of it. Just need one of his bear hugs right now...